Army of Darkness vs Hack/Slash #6

This series was wrought with delays, employed immature tropes and the last issue annoyed me to no end. But this was the last issue and I’d pressed on this long. So after Cassie betrayed Ash and left him in ancient Greece, what would become of her?

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Cassie takes on Britt Cilentro and heads back to the Ig’nant Mime Squad concert where overweight and underwashed teens had their sodas spiked and turned into Black Paladin stab happy dombies (that’s a demon-zombie, kids). This issue really tugged at my heart strings, Cassie is willing to cross time and space, fight deadites, cult leaders, suped up GI Joe wannabes and more to save Vlad from his fate. So she goes back to where Vlad died. But Ash, in a moment of maturity tells Cassie that he’s been down this road. But some other awful thing always happens. If she saves Vlad; what if she doesn’t marry Margaret and adopt Sandra? What if she has a whole different life that no one else remembers? 

And Cassie listens, and she doesn’t save Vlad. And she goes home with her wife and Ash babysits while they see the new Denzel movie. 

So I give Tim Seeley credit. Because he’d really lost me with #5. I was PISSED. Here’s the thing, though; it didn’t feel totally authentic until Ash asked Cassie to call him if she and Margaret ever wanted to make a reverse Oreo. 

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That’s Tim Seeley’s cover. None of that happened. But metaphorically it makes perfect sense.

Comicbook Catch-up Extravaganza! Numero Dos!

Featuring Army of Darkness vs. Hack/Slash #5, Lazarus #6, Ms. Marvel #1

Army of Darkness vs Hack/Slash #5

I’ve really enjoyed this series. Despite the chronic late release of the issues it really maintained momentum for me because I loved LOVED seeing Ash and Cassie play off of eachother. The 2 badasses breaking heads with their unconventional weapons, enemies and friends from each series. Fun. Good. This one flew in the frigging face of all of that. The end of last issue featured their hook-up. Cassie’s in a committed relationship with Margaret- so one of two things spring to mind for me: 1) she’s trying to confuse Ash or 2) the writer is a shallow idiot who thinks bisexuals are all sluts. Either way she’s deceitful. 

The duo get to Ancient Greece, turns out Britt the cult leader went back in time and met with Akakios who was an alchemist and “created the principals that the cult followed” and icing on the cherry hate cake? He killed Cassie’s old partner Vlad. They throw a wild party in Ancient Greece to attract Akakios and his cult and deadites and they burn ’em to a crisp. Cassie goes berserker and beelines for Akakios himself, “Changing the past is bad” Ash says, Cassie KO’s him and he knows he’s been played. But not only did she play Ash…she played Margaret. To “Bring back the only thing she ever loved. Vlad.” 

WHAT THEE FUCK?

Thankfully, issue 6 is the last. Because fuck all that shit. Ash and Cassie are now enemies at odds for possession of the Necronomicon.

Ms. Marvel #1

Kamala Khan, teenage supe, writer of Avengers fanfic, shapeshifter and Muslim. Her family is varying degrees of assimilating and she just wants to be a “regular teen” like her classmates and go to parties. So she sneaks out to a party with boys and booze on the waterfront. Her BFF Bruno tries to get her out of there, and she’s all “MYOB” and storms off.. then a crazy for starts to permeate the area. Kamala Khan gets KO’d and has a drugged out dream about the Avengers, and her homegirl, Captain Marvel. And she wishes, “I want to be beautiful and awesome and butt kicking and less complicated. I want to be you.” And Carol Danvers says, “All right, kid. As fate would have it, you’re about to get the kind of total reboot most people only dream about.”

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Epic debut. Kudos to G. Willow Wilson for calling out concern trolls and stereotypes. So pumped to find out what’s up with the fog, or what’s up with Captain Marvel being her fairy godmother. I repurposed that photo from Jeremy Roberts’s deviantart. http://jprart.deviantart.com/art/All-New-Ms-Marvel-412376037

Lazarus #6

Flashback again, to mini-Forever doing pushups on her thumbs and conjugating Latin verbs, she’s taking her training with Marisol too far.

In the present she wakes up to an alarm, takes her regimen and then she receives the text again. “He is not your father, this is not your family.” Joanna is still sporting a black eye and playing innocent. Flash to Montana, we see the family whose home was destroyed. The cost to rebuild will have them taxed out for the foreseeable future. Back in LA, a woman propositions the guards in exchange for food and others break in and set up a device to hack the keypad. They steal canisters of acetylene. Forever catches them in the act, but she directs her wrath at the guards taking advantage of a hungry woman. Forever asks her where the others have taken the canisters. And the Barrets leave Montana for Denver in hopes that their children can work for the Carlyles. Will this play an integral role? Will they start an uprising? Will Forever discover what’s really happening outside of her family? So many questions. 

Rucka has built this insane world. It’s bleak, it’s dark… and sadly, it’s very very real. Carlyles have infinite wealth and resources and meanwhile we see families giving up all they’ve got, their time, their dignity, their land, their children, they sell themselves out. It’s very blood and guts, but no major revelations this issue.

Army of Darkness vs. Hack/Slash #4

Yay, this series is back on schedule! This one was originally supposed to be out in October

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subscription cover by Ken Haeser.

Ash and Cassie are on the hunt for more pages from the Necronomicon. Washing off goopy blood in the motel sink they meet up with a friend of Cassies; Cat …who travels with a dog. She’s a government employee and she has another tip. In this area over the past three weeks, four children have gone missing. What’s really weird is that they are all related to Benjamin Blackswell, who lived in Stamford, CT between 1644 and 1701. Witch trials + Necronomicon + strangely high rates of disappearances? yeah, sounds right.

Especially cool? the fact that since that was 300+ years ago: no one would have made that connection. But for Cat, running genealogies is a “hobby” making her meticulous and Sherlockian… and a blonde hottie in a pink sweater who travels with a dog so fierce that Ash mistakes it for a mole horse deadite. …it is actually a demon dog, which Cassie travelled with circa 2011, Bomb Queen versus Hack/Slash era.

The issue begins with a flashback to the past where Sarah Toothaker is saved from certain death (being hanged for being a witch). She’s not a witch, she just denied the advances of the Magistrate and it earned her a spot on the gallows. But somehow she appears in the future, in a pile of bones, with a man who knows her name. Hmmm…

Sarah has some out of wedlock, unheard of in her time, intercourse with this man. The man is the former lead singer for JesusFist. During a tour, they stopped at a flea market and he found one of Sarah’s journals and through her words: he fell in love with her. 

Cassie and Ash get a little tense (Ash was trying to make a lesbian threesome joke. Cassie didn’t approve… because he fetishizes the hell out of her relationship. Not cool.) But to lighten the mood, he teaches her to moon cars. 

Then they see a deadite man-bat.

Peter (from JesusFist) is chaining Sarah to a stake… she’s blindfolded. Ready to hang are the kidnapped children. Peter is feeding them to the deadite. Paying a tithe for bringing Sarah back. Sarah is outraged and disgusted. Their heritage, being descendants of Blackswell is not their fault. As the deadite is about to get his meal… Cassie arrives.

She blows off the deadite’s head, makes some threats and then Ash falls in a hole full of deadites that try to drag him to hell.. oh. boy. The deadites, not satisfied without their four soul meal..

Then Sarah starts to go deadite. The souls were an exchange for hers. Peter cries that Sarah was born in the wrong time. Sarah says she would rather die. Peter waffles… and so Ash takes matters into his own hands, behinding the 17th century maiden.

Cassie looks remorsefully at the brokenhearted Peter. He’d tried to find a better way, but that was the only spell that they would sell him. 

Cassie and Ash drop the five children (still with their heads covered at a near by Qwik Stop. The boys are pretty unfazed. Cassie tells them that no one will believe the demon stuff, that they should say it was drug dealers or terrorists. 

Then… Cassie Hack and Ash make out!? Ash protests “What about your girlfriend? You guys got that cute little kid–“

Elsewhere- The redhaired cult leader is getting it on when the book calls to her. The necronomicon tells her that “A new history begins”

The villain and victim in this issue was awesome. Peter fell in love with Sarah for her mind, through her words. …goofily, because her “poetry” was “so metal” 

But Cassie and Ash making out? I hope there is some angle. After repeatedly having her same-sex relationship fetishized by the pervy and being highly offended by it… them hooking up… is nonsense. Honestly, the whole idea of it is so bullshit. I would rather they go the “friends forever” route instead of …whatever is happening. If they become love interests… I’m going to be mad! And everyone should be. It’s been hinted at that Cassie is bi -and that’s all good and fine, but Ash making “jokes” about her sexuality and making out with her while she’s unconscious… he deserves a knuckle sandwich, not kisses. Please please please… move away from this. It’s inappropriate and degrading to have Cassie’s committed homosexual relationship presented as temporary and fleeting for laughs for horror fans. STAHP

Army of Darkness vs. Hack/Slash #2

This was the only comic I was supposed to be picking up today. If you follow me on twitter you know that is not remotely what happened. But it’s  the first one I read.

I try to be punctual and stuff, but I’m still unpacking and I have 8,327,737,390 things to do. Reviews are coming. Don’t panic. I’ll be back on the radio this week. HOORAY

So, anyway…

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Killer cover, amirite? Cassie Hack, kicking deadite ass while Ash grabs hers. Eh, maybe. It’s funny? Whatever. anyway…

On the inside, the story begins with Ash being attacked by 2 large naked men in a prison shower. No kidding. Local do gooder, Banerjee all of a sudden turns psycho killer. Ash accurately suspects the Necronomicon/demonic possession/dopplegangers. Banerjee is in prison and is the last person to come into contact with whoever is selling pages of the book. Cassie devises a plan, Ash infiltrates the prison using what she terms, the “reverse Shawshank” (it’s crawling through a sewer pipe), Ash is not amused. Cassie gets in using her… uhhh… sexiness. Ash makes some effed up comment about her ex-partner, Vlad. Cassie is not amused. Not one to settle matters with snide remarks: she cracks him across the jaw.

After a really gross amount of violence, electrocution and decapitation. They set off in the right direction to find The real Banerjee.

“When Hack and I are working we’re like those old married couples you see at a restaurant. Nothing needs to be said. No thought, just action. Except instead of shoveling salisbury steak and green beans into our faces while staring out at the scenic Wal-Mart parking… we’re serving up evil dead destruction with a side of looking damn good.”

It’s true. Chainsaw through a dog’s head, and Banerjee is rescued and kicked off to the ER… after spilling his guts about where he got the page. A CULT WITH A SELF PROCLAIMED MESSIAH whose followers wear dead men’s faces. Classic tactic.

I’m enjoying the play between Cassie and Ash. Him lusting after her and her “knee high athletic sock things” while admiring her handiwork.

Cassie Hack is completely a manifestation pandering to male audiences. She’s wearing little more than fishnet and knee socks, she’s all T&A and using her vagina to get what she wants from people she can’t kill.

But that bat, though:

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Bitchin’.

Looking forward to seeing what they do with a female villain.

Best comic to read in Bruce Campbell’s voice.

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Speaking of female villains. Check back later for the Poison Ivy #1/Batman Detective Comics #23.1 Villains Month special! Yeahhh Yo