Movie Review #17: Sorority Party Massacre

This Anchor Bay released flick boasts *big names* like Kevin Sorbo (Hercules the Legendary Journeys) and adult film star and rum hawker Ron Jeremy. The plot begins with the somewhat grisly but comparatively tame murder of Holly, the daughter of Sorbo’s character. Detective Watts (Thomas Downey; Pirates of Treasure Island, Dracula’s Curse) is sent in from the big city to investigate. The first victim had been heading for a Sorority meet up where girls were to compete for an elite scholarship. They other girls, played by Eve Mauro (Zombies vs Strippers, Mirror Image), Marissa Skell (Slumber Party Slaughter), Yvette Yates (I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell), Rebecca Grant, Alison Mei Lan and Adrian Kirk (616:Paranormal Incident) are doing degrading and outrageous things to please Stella… but are they killers?

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While trying to uncover the truth Detective Watts is hampered by Sheriff Lumpkin, playing the typical bumbling small-town cop.

Thomas Downey has played Watts several times; Paranormal Incident, Mirror Image, 616: Paranormal Incident and will be filling that role again in the upcoming Bachelorette Party Massacre. So seemingly, those films all exist in the same world as this film- which shares it’s mythos with the 1982 flick Slumber Party Massacre 1, 2 & 3, Cheerleader Massacre, Sorority House Massacre 1 & 2, and Hard to Die. The only of these series I watched were the trio of Slumber Party Massacres and I can say without a doubt that this film has nothing in common with the originals. This would have been a much more enjoyable film is it stuck to it’s campy roots instead of relying on hyper glamorized camera angles and pornography premises… ie; hot nerd in bikini is ordered to clean out the horse stables.

Slumber Party Massacre is one of my all time favorites (truth? I even like the 2nd one where the killer has a drill guitar and sings and busts through walls). We saw from the killer’s perspective, stalked the girls through windows and we wanted the girls to band together, save each other and live long enough to get their pizza delivered.

This one did not measure up. It’s too bad, because while the opening scene was a little too similar to Scream the method of murder and the slow motion, boob giggling attempted escape shown over a slow ethereal Deftones track was GORGEOUS. But sadly there’s not much for scares or surprises after that. Instead of girls banding together vs an interloper, we have catty brats out for themselves, and while all these darlings were super hot, there’s something decidedly not cute about that. Sorority Party Massacre should have stuck more to the originals. Maybe it wouldn’t have been unique but Mean Girls, Scream, Scary Movie and pornography tropes did nothing to help.

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The only thing really going for it is the opening scene and the fact that there’s some serious hot girl eye candy. 1 Star.

But if you like this sort of thing check out the teaser art for the next film Bachelorette Party Massacre here:

http://www.dreadcentral.com/news/66474/exclusive-first-news-bachelorette-party-massacre-and-teaser-art#axzz2reu4YQDg

Almost Human episode 8

You are here.

We get *some* insight to John and his issues he’s attending group therapy/anger management class with what I can say is a very poor counsellor who seems to purposefully be antagonizing him and the other attendees. Dorian is waiting for him after the session and says, “Hey Mr. Friendly, How was angry class?” adorable. 

A man is running through the streets and a transit cop asks him what his problem is, he says “please, no. They’re going to kill me.” and out of nowhere he is struck by a bullet and falls dead. No one saw the shooter. His name is Anton. Det. Paul’s MX comprises a theory about the shot, Dorian has another. The MX describes -at length- that Dorian is inferior, compromised and recalled… Kennex shoots the MX’s face off. Richard Paul is not amused and neither is Maldonado. Paul and Kennex get in a slapfight after Paul threatens Dorian. Dorian teases Kennex with a shower of “You like me” ‘s. I LOVE Dorian.

Anyway,the reason they didn’t see the shooter is because some Eastern Europeans are demoing a weapon, a magic bullet that can target anyone and shoot around corners anticipating obstacles. Intense. The buddy cops question Anton’s girlfriend. She claims she doesn’t know anything. They have theorized that Anton sold tech from his dayjob to these criminals. But when they ask Keira more questions, Dorian senses that the bullet is coming and he takes it for her. How heroic! It also throws his system out of whack and he only communicates in Korean for a while. I LOVE Michael Ealy.

Keira wants to scrub her mind, thinking that if she gets rid of memories of Anton no one will have reason to come after her.Then they find evidence that Anton was being blackmailed/extorted and that the bad guys sent him a video threatening Keira and Amy.And they realize that the criminals are making an infomercial to sell the tech and that Keira will be taken out either way. Keira escapes from the safe house and Kennex finds her before the mind eraser. Dorian and Kennex make short work of the arms dealers and they saved the girl again. And she has a heartfelt moment going through Anton’s effects when she finds a pen, reminisces about how they used to write love notes (it’s 2048… apparently pens are over, not unreasonable). But the whole thing was gawky and weird.

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Lloyd Dobbler “I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen.” awkward.

Then we get another dose of flirty cuteness when Det. Stahl gives John an energy chew… he writes her a note. What does it say?! 

Once again I really like seeing the concepts for tech and ideals, but it followed it’s typical “1st victim is male: dead. 2nd victim: female, alive.” Basically if there’s a woman and Kennex talks to her… she’s gonna live. The beginning of the ep reminded us that Kennex has been through tough times and has issues, and then it was quickly dismissed with tough guy one liners and quirky jokes. At some point I want to know what’s up with his missing girlfriend and why she set up his squad and left him for dead. Metaplot, please!

X-Men #9

Monet shows off what a powerhouse she is in this issue instead of just trading catty quips with Jubilee. Sublime is being interrogated by former fling Rachel Grey when Arkea becomes aware again. Uh-oh. Jubilee and Karima do some human style crime busting and the track Ana/Yuriko/Lady Deathstrike to Dubai. 

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Arkea, however is harder to pin down. She/they came to earth as bacteria on a meteor which broke into several pieces as it hit Earth’s atmosphere. Since alien bacteria have no care for political borders or alliances the X-Men get a little help from SHIELD to prevent this from starting WW3. 

Monet is the first on the scene in Dubai where Reiko has androids being built per Yuriko’s instructions. Amora is stunned, Typhoid Mary is impressed. Yuriko tries to tell her what John Sublime has warned but Reiko becomes possessed by Arkea. Arkea also senses that Sublime is alive (Yuriko believed she had killed him, but Psylocke made a last minute save) and with the X-Men. 

Yuriko asks Arkea for an upgrade. Odin’s curse is lifted from Amora and she gets her powers back. Monet crashes through the building at Mach 3 and messes up their Body Shoppe while Typhoid Mary makes off with Reiko/Arkea. Amora engages with Monet and Ana/Yuriko leaves her to deal with the lone X-Men. 

Reiko propagates the Arkea virus and 6 major alerts go off across the globe. Karima is at risk for repossession, Monet is left for dead AND Sentinels are rising out of the ocean. 

Well, that was quite an eventful story. Arkea was this team’s first major villain and caused a major rift between Rachel and Storm when there was a disagreement over how to handle Arkea (Storm said Psylocke should take out Karima and there has been a power struggle between Rachel and Storm since). Well, Arkea is back with a definite vengeance and now has some serious firepower in the form of these Sentinels. As if “The New Sisterhood” wasn’t enough of a threat! These villains will be along for the rest of this story arc and the next, so there is no easy resolution.

This series is just consistently awesome. Can’t wait for next month!

All-New X-Men 22.NOW

or The Trial of Jean Grey #1:

After an anticlimactic previous issue this story arc *promises* to be much more. And will also con me into reading Guardians of the Galaxy… ergh CROSSOVERS.

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The original X-Men +KP +X-23 are back at the New Xavier School. X-23 is working on her combat skills, Beast is doing some heavy duty theoretical mathematics, Iceman’s making snow angels… and Angel’s just trying to eat a burger when Jean Grey comes and starts a shouting match with Scott (who’s mind she’s reading without permission… again. And she keeps doing it. But in all fairness, he’s not really giving her a chance and is judging her for being herself after all the incredibly weird shit she’s been through, including; knowing how she dies, seeing her future self has joined the Brotherhood, watching her future self die, knowing Scott ends up with Emma Frost etc.) While she gets in touch she freaks out and levitates Angel’s burger. Control is not what she is in. 

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For the record: Iceman and Angel would totally eat these

Outside: some explosions from the sky, Bobby tries to build an ice wall but there’s Shi’ar, in fact. The Shi’ar have been mingling with the X-Men since 1977! They are an alien humanoid/avian race that has hyper-advanced technology. Their homeworld was put in SERIOUS peril by Jean Grey during her the Phoenix heyday and they killed her family in case the Phoenix was attracted to her genetics… yeah: They figured out she’s back in some version. 

X-Men rush into action to protect the school. Kitty tries to disable their tech while X-23 gets wicked pissed. Jean Grey tries to throw off their attacks using telekinesis and everyone goes full force… to no avail. They get trapped in bubbles. Bobby tries last minute heroics, but they take Jean Grey. 

But then… it looks as if the Shi’ar are coming back… but they aren’t… it was the Guardians. It was actually pretty damn funny. But as a whole this issue didn’t do it for me. It’s definitely the art. Stuart Immonen: I cannot understand what was happening in those fight sequences. Maybe it was BMB’s fault, he seems great at writing dialogue and angst… but not much else. I know that it was just the set up but if you want me interested in a 6 issue crossover with a book I don’t read and a team I don’t care about (I don’t bandwagon jump because there’s a movie, kids) you’re going to have to give me more… Bobby’s action hero antics were awesome but they couldn’t carry the issue.

Sleepy Hollow Episode 12

There’s a map of leylines with a door into purgatory. Guess who has it? John Noble returns as the Sin Eater to help free Katrina so that she can defeat the second horseman. Jenny is very-much against the plan. Moloch guards purgatory an Moloch split up their family, but Abbie thinks it has to be done. Jenny delivers the best line of the night, “I have more than faith, I’m a mental patient with a gun..” and gets sidelined listening to Corbin’s tapes. They need an intern. 

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In Purgatory Abbie awakens with a bump on the head. She’s reunited with Corbin and Andy. Ichabod Crane is greeted and celebrated by a bunch of powdered wigs. On is his father accepting him, in reality his father disowned him after betraying England. Corbin serves Abbie apple pie ala mode and they are in terrible danger of forgetting why they are there. 

The first test is temptation: Abbie tries to convince herself that it isn’t real.. the pie turns into blood and Andy’s head bends back… the house falls away. Ichabod’s unravels similarly.

Jenny finds a hint about ruins of an old church.

Demons with cloudy eyes and cut of ears, faceless crying girls, creepy fog and darkness don’t keep Abbie and Ichabod apart. They prove they are the genuine article with a secret handshake and venture after Katrina encountering all manner of creepy. But they find her only to find that she can’t leave unless another soul takes her place. womp womp. 

Abbie says she will take on Moloch while Ichabod gets out with Katrina. Katrina gives Abbie an amulet to protect her. Vowing to return to set her free. Katrina and Ichabod bust through to the real world. Katrina is excited, Ichabod is torn but staying focussed. Abbie hit Moloch with a stick and pushes the amulet into his flesh. 

Jenny gets to the church… and we cut away to Ichabod, Katrina and Henry to the spot where the second horseman will emerge. Jenny is trying to find why someone would want to hide the abandoned church’s name and she finds the sign… tearing off in her truck calling to warn Abbie that the Saint’s name is a sign.. literally the name on the sign. In her haste the horseman (the headless one) gets in her way and takes a shot at her. And you better hope he holds her up because Jenny is probably going to kill Ichabod and Katrina.

Abbie is hiding from Moloch in a kiddy cartoon house with a fragment of herself… the memory of the day that she and Jenny met Moloch.

Apocalypse means to disclose or reveal?! Thanks for the etymology lesson. Oh, and beeteedubs? Henry is the horseman. He’s used their faith against them. He explains his evil ways ad naseum and five minutes later Katrina figures out he’s the second horseman. But in the ultimate “what the shit?!” moment: Henry is their son. Katrina is actually happy that her son survived the “death hex” but of course he was just in stasis fully cognizant of time passing for 2 centuries. Moloch raised him out of the ground. He considers Moloch his father (the day he was raised was the day Abbie met Moloch).

Abbie tries to escape realizing what’s happened. 

St. Henry’s Parish was the name of the church… the former Jeremy took the name Henry Parish out of spite. Ichabod argues that Katrina suffered more than Jeremy (as if that would matter to him, Katrina was an adult and Jeremy was a child made to suffer for their actions… that’s not the same). 

Jenny’s outcold. Headless rides in. Ichabod gets sealed up underground… Abbie’s in purgatory… Dire circumstances… and no more until FALL?!?!?!

Sleepy Hollow Episode 11

Ichabod finally gets some modern garb. He hates skinny jeans. Ichabod is shaken from his encounter with Moloch in which Moloch threatened Abbie. Abbie thinks Moloch is bluffing, getting them to waste their time. Ichabod changes back into 18th century clothes (whhyy?!)

At the station they are interrogating the icecream vendor that was possessed and threatened Macy. But the spirit left him they call in the woman that he bumped into. That woman passes the spirit on to a cop and into another leaving Irving a step behind. Irving meets with Abbie and Ichabod and asks them to share Washington’s Bible to help defeat the demon.

Corbin had something on video about a possessed woman. He records her. Has her tied up. The woman is Jenny.

They didn’t watch any further out of respect for Jenny. She’s never seen it either. But they need to watch it in order to see how to take down the demon. Jenny would rather they just give the demon the Bible than face him. But Abbie reveals that the demon is after Macy and Jenny agrees to fight him. While possessed Jenny prophesied that Corbin who die at the hands of the Horseman. The demon said he would kill Abbie. Possessed Jenny flies through the air and Jenny storms out.

One of the men taking Macy and the rest of Irving’s family to the safe house is possessed. The other man passes the demon to Morales (Abbie’s ex -I smell angst! addendum: I was wrong!)

Ichabod finds Jenny still outside after her tantrum. Her car wouldn’t start. It also appears she’s been living out of her car. Jenny recalls being possessed.. how she did unforgivable things. It turns out that she would deliberately get arrested so that she’d be locked up when the demon left her with thoughts of hurting Abbie. Interesting twist! Ichabod appears to her again to help Macy.

A priest puts wards on the house. Possessed Morales tries to get the other man to break the wards.. he does. And Morales goes in. 

Abbie, Jenny and Ichabod rewatch the video. They notice the salt ring on the floor. A salt ring you say?! Was Corbin a fan of Supernatural?! J/K salt is said to bind bad spirits or demons much in the same was it is used to preserve food; purifying it and ridding it of contamination or decay. In Wicca it’s use in lieu of a blood sacrifice. However in the Bible salt was used to describe being a desolate wasteland and used as punishment not against evil. So I am not sure how it all works together. 

The demon is speaking backwards …in Ancient aramaic. Which Ichabod knows for some reason. They confirm that the demon is a minion of Moloch named Anticif. A french lantern from the 14th century helped cast out the demon. Ben Franklin had one, too. 

Irving arms himself, Macy studies while creepy Morales keeps an eye out. After Macy was hit by a car and ever since the accident Irving as been a protector, treating them as broken. His wife says that they are stronger than Irving gives them credit for. Irving takes a call from Abbie and then discovers that the demon is already in the house and already possessing Macy. 

Jenny reveals that the lantern is with some end of days whack jobs. Jenny helped arm them at one point. Macy tries to fight the demon that contorts her body, Possessed Macy snaps the neck of the priest and threatens Irving’s ex-wife. Irving calls Abbie and tells them he’s going to get the Bible and turn it over to the demon. So it becomes a race to retrieve the lantern and return before Irving can get back with the Bible. 

Abbie and Jenny get some sisterly snark about who is a better lock pick while Abbie is robbing the place. Ichabod spills the beans that Jenny committed crimes to keep Abbie safe (not your secret to tell, Ichabod). They get the lantern.. but the survivalists are waiting. Well armed is an understatement.

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They appeal to them. The battle of good vs. evil has resumed.. Ichabod says it’s best to act now before the demons get stronger. Jenny gets the drop on their leader, Chase and they have to choice but to give it up. 

The Bible isn’t there and the demon is PISSED, so Irving tries to appeal to Macy to get her to fight. She does briefly… but the demon reemerges and throws them around. Jenny enters: shaken but ready to fight, Abbie enters right behind her. Looking confident that they have the demon right where they want them and that he won’t get back inside Jenny’s head. 

“Hand over the Bible, Witness or I will take your sister when I am done with this Vessel.” Abbie antagonizes him. “Why do you prey on children? Try me.” She lures him into a trap -a salt ring and Ichabod shines the lantern on Macy. In a swirl of smoke, CGI fire and screaming the demon is cast out.

Macy is scared but ok. Jenny looks on as the family embraces. Abbie hugs Jenny happy to understand all the time wasted between them. Ichabod mixes some lemon juice and stuff to find the invisible message in Washington’s Bible. The page says “December 18 1799” but according to the history books Washington died on December 14th -might I add that NO ONE knows this off the top of their head… but just because it says a date doesn’t mean he was alive on that date… but Abbie and Ichabod are confused as to how he could have written it… ummm… what?!

So if I type: JANUARY 19TH 2140 but I’m dead by then: OMG HOW COULD I DO THAT?!?! haha

Dracula- Episode 9

Mina lays in the hospital with vague recollections of a bloody and violent Grayson saving her life. He’s left her a single red rose. Renfield tries to convince Grayson that Davenport alone was seeking vengeance aginst Grayson and NOT the Order of the Dragon. Grayson says the it stinks of high order: using women and children to get revenge. Renfield is correct, of course. Van Helsing explains that he is no longer allied with Grayson, Renfield tries to talk sense into him, but he declines.

Lady Jayne is going on about various violent acts that she will carry out against vampires and Browning confides that his children have been abducted. He has proof that Grayson blackmailed Daniel and Lord Laurent. Browning is convinced that Grayson is Dracula.. Lady Jayne doesn’t buy it and is visibly frustrated at the accusation although they are no longer lovers.

Harker leaves Lucy’s, as he does she calls out to him. Harker looks some version of disgusted/upset/guilty (I’m not sure what he is emoting here). Lucy’s mother sees him leave and asks the negligee clad Lucy what she has done. Lucy closes the door on her mother.

A raid on Grayson’s estate. Renfield, who is his lawyer says that the warrant is invalid and that he will charge the police with criminal trespassing and vandalism. They are searching for evidence that Grayson has taken Browning’s children. The nonplussed Grayson tells them they have his permission.

But Grayson hasn’t taken them… Renfield thinks that it was perhaps Van Helsing.

Harker waits in Browning’s carriage. Grayson “puts Renfield in his place” in a way that was degrading and unneccessary. A crying Lucy confesses to her seemingly caring mother that she’s fallen in love with Mina her mother becomes outraged and Lucy is once again confronted with someone she cares for who does not accept her. Harker asks Browning about the attack on Mina, he says that the Order would never have sanctioned it and that Davenport acted alone… he also realizes that Harker killed Davenport… seems there’s a vacancy in the Order that Harker can fill he is welcomed aboard, his first mission is to steal blueprints for Grayson’s resonator.

Grayson meets with Van Helsing. Van Helsing reiterates that he thinks Grayson behaves irresponsibly and impulsively. Grayson accuses Van Helsing of stealing Browning’s children… he has, but he cannot kill him, no matter how badly he thinks Browning deserves the grief while Grayson feeds his enemies to hungry vamps.

A weak and fragile Mina lays in her hospital bed with Grayson lurking/creeping/watching her.. she realizes that he has been leaving her the roses. Which seemed pretty obvious. Mina says she remembers him saving her… he tells her that he was in Carfax, that she doesn’t remember it right. She disagrees and says she remembers he was there (although oddly enough she isn’t scared as she was earlier.) She asks Grayson to stay. but the sun has been up too long, and he takes his leave.

Lady Jayne goes to where the vampire attack occurs. Browning tells the police that his children are fine… they aren’t… but they have to keep that and the attack out of the public eye..

Lucy goes to visit Mina. Lucy brings her a bouquet and they are happy to see each other. Lucy is regretting her decision to deliberately hurt Mina.  Lucy tells Mina that she has to call off her engagement and forget about Jonathan. Mina demands to know what he has done… Through Lucy’s apology and avoidance Mina surmises that Lucy has slept with him… which is really weird since Mina knows Lucy only has eyes for her… ummm…

Harker is initiated in the Order… taking the oath that says he will put the Order before the needs of himself and all others in his life. Which he already does, so, that’s not new. Grayson has visited Mina three times while Harker has been scheming and sleeping with her best friend.

Van Helsing fashions a ransom note.

Grayson revels in his victory over the council, one day of direct action yielded more results than decades of covert scheming. The board of health says that Grayson’s energy company can reopen. This has been orchestrated by Browning so that they can cause a catastrophe at the demonstration -a failure so epic that no one will deem magnetism a viable energy option.

Mina busts out of the hospital and heads to Harker’s.. he enters and yells at her for being in his house?! The woman he is to marry! Harker blames the fact that he slept with Lucy entirely on Lucy… Mina doesn’t buy the slut shaming and calls Harker a pig. But Harker says one thing that’s true… Mina loves Grayson. And he knows it.

Outside a clumsy Mina catches a reflection of herself… appearing as Grayson’s dead wife. She passes out and back at the hospital Grayson visits her again. He teases her and she cheers up. But she cuts to the chase and asks what is happening between them. He tells Mina about his wife, Alana. Mina has dreamed about Alana, “she looks like me,” she says. “I owe that someone that I used to love a terrible debt and until I pay it I can’t move forward.” He reminds her that she loves Harker.. Mina confides about Harker’s infidelity with Lucy. Grayson gets all “How could  she?!” (look out!)

Grayson busts in on Lucy in the bath and sneaks up on her “If you insist on behaving like a monster, I shall make you one.” And he does. He bites her and then opens his own wrist forcing it in her mouth. He leaves in the blink of an eye leaving Lucy bloody and startled.

Well, Lucy got a shitty lot in the show… angst upon angst and then caught up in this convoluted deception. But at least we are rid of Harker -with Mina anyway. For now at least. I hate him. The way that Grayson treated Renfield in this episode flies in the face of their previously established relationship. Hated it. Next week: Lucy gets consumed and turned!!