“Blood, teeth, bones, and head-goo splattered everywhere. The next thing I know everything went black.”
I downloaded this for 99 cents, even though I’m 1/3 of the way through Mockingjay and 25 pages in to Kiss the Dead… And I’m trying to get through my library books so I can purchase Blackout. Anyway, for some reason, I started reading this… because clearly, I had nothing else going on.
Anyway, editing isn’t really a thing that happened in Zombies of East Jesus. Accept that and proceed, or save your dollar for a Mountain Dew.
A couple of hillbillies use a time machine to go back to the year 3033 (yes “back”… no, I don’t know) the narrator and Biscuits (or Biscuit? it changes) to spy on Biscuit’s hot cousin having sex in the yard. During this time Biscuit fights his younger self and… “past-Biscuit” turns in to a zombie (what?), and eats “Now-Biscuit” and then the narrator hops back in the time machine. He wakes up in the original time frame in the hospital with his mom and dad and Biscuit’s dad. There are zombies there, too.
“There was so many zombies outside the door it sounded like a bee hive.” (what?)
Something weird about his penis. I don’t even know. Gross.
And they cut the guts out of a zombie to smell like the dead, but they didn’t decapitate or otherwise incapacitate this same zombie. How does that work? Amateurs. Watch a movie!
His mom’s in a wheelchair because of diabetes, and the wheelchair can fly.
I won’t ruin the ending.
Also, random references to this song:
2 Turkey Legs! (This is borderline unscorable, but it was only a dollar. It’s so nonsensical I don’t even know.)